So What Happened To The Shimura Curves Album?
This is one of those questions I should really be paying more attention to, instead of getting in pointless fights on the internet. It's been nearly a year since we decided to put it out, and almost nothing has happened. There was a kind of brief flurry of activity last year, and then nothing.
I've honestly got to the point where I don't think it will ever come out. And indeed am wondering *why* people even put out records in the first place, trying to find some motivation to do it. So many of the reasons I can come up with seem either illegitimate or things I absolutely do not want to do.
People put out records because they want to make money off their music. In the current economic climate, with the business model for music and the internet changing so drastically, I'm fairly certain that I won't make any money off it, indeed, it's extremely unlikely that it will even break even, and will most likely end up costing me money.
People put out records because they want to be famous. The last thing I want is to be famous. That's the single most important lesson I've learned off the small amount of indie "fame" I had, and the rather more substantial amount of internet infamy. You think that Fame means everyone will love you. It doesn't. It means that everyone thinks that they are somehow entitled to a piece of you. No thank you.
People put out records because they want the respect of their peers. Yes, I admit. This one still appeals. Yeah, I'd like some critical acclaim. I'd like fellow musicians and DJs to go "That Kate St.Claire, she's a good musician and a good songwriter." I'd like to see my name in some in end of year lists and DJ sets. Except this is the one that's least likely to happen. I know that I'm handicapped before I even start by the mere fact of my gender. I'll be shunted off into a little box labelled "female musicians" and left out when the accolades of genius are distributed. This hurts. This makes me think that if I have to work twice as hard to be taken half as seriously, I might as well not even try.
So really, what does that leave? The desire to have other people listen to my music, and maybe even get something out of it? I can do that with a blog and a MySpace. Why invest so much time, effort and yes, money, into putting out a *record*?
I don't remember where it stalled. The album is finished, it's sitting on my hard drive (and backed up, this time.) I listen to it at work, and I'm *proud* of it. I like the way it sounds. And though I can hear the obvious influences and reference points (Stereolab, School of Seven Bells, St.Etienne) I don't really hear anything else out there at the moment that *sounds* like it. It's unique. It's a bit weird, not easily pigeonhole-able. This is both a problem and a strength.
So why not just fucking put the thing out? The last time I spoke to Chris, we were a bit stuck on the Mastering process. A minor hitch, and certainly not any kind of iceberg to stop this album. The truth is, it's me. I don't want to do it.
Pardon me for doing this in public. Pardon me if I bruise any feelings. This isn't about you; this is about me.
1) I feel like I'm alone in this. My former bandmates have all kind of wandered off and lost interest. When we first discussed this, everyone was keen, they all volunteered - but when it comes to doing any work, where are they? Yeah, I recognise that people have lives. Since we first started work on this album, a couple of years ago, there have been a wedding, two babies, a successful club night and a crafting group, countless jobs, countless breakups and countless moves. Life happens. But I am so tired of doing this by myself, and I'm so tired of feeling like the only one that cares.
2) All of this dredges up painful memories from years ago, that should have been long buried. Music is about emotion, of course some of those grudges get written into the very emotional fabric that makes up that music. I don't want to re-engage with so much of this negativity.
3) It's not just the record, it's everything that goes with it, the album artwork, the liner notes, photographs - not to mention the promotion when it comes out. Of course I'm going to have to do all this now, since no one else has. There's only one of me, and only so much time. By the time I get to the end of a long day at work, I'd rather draw paisley or pretty boys than album artwork.
4) The promotion. I just don't want to fucking do it. I actually start to feel sick to the stomach when I think about it. Everything I went through putting out that last album, Taste The Lollies. Interviews. Photo shoots. Press. Radio. Tours. I am an introvert. I find this stuff exhausting, invasive, and, when you do it day in, day out with the intensive kind of effort that went into the Taste launch, incredibly tedious and boring.
This has all changed now, and it's all about getting out on the web and making your presence known, which is somehow even worse. The internet is a total fucking sewer of attention-seeking idiots escaped from Daily Mail Island. I don't *want* to make myself available to these people. I know from experience, the kind of personality I have, if I spend more than 10 minutes on an internet forum, there's a flamewar up around my ears. This is *not* good promotion. This means that the collective work of half a dozen people will be flame fodder for assholes because I don't conform to their narrow, conservative idea of what a woman should be. Yeah, I know there's a school of thought that says there's no such thing as bad press, but when it's *me* out there getting the flak for it? It hurts. Don't pretend it doesn't hurt because it's some random internet troll having a go. It makes me very depressed, and I don't mean "ooh, a little sad" - I mean, it triggers and aggravates the serious, can't get out of bed clinical depression that brings my life to a halt. I don't want that in my life.
5) Did I mention I have to do this alone? If I can't get my former bandmates to care, how on earth can I get strangers to care? If I'm having trouble coming up with a reason to release a record, how on earth am I suppose to sell it to other people?
6) What if it bombs? Or worse, what if no one listens and no one cares? These songs are my babies, my precious little jewels for me to listen to in my home. What if no one wants them?
I guess I want someone to encourage me. Someone to turn me around, to tell me that it's worth it, to tell me to go for it. And that is the least likeliest thing of all.
I've honestly got to the point where I don't think it will ever come out. And indeed am wondering *why* people even put out records in the first place, trying to find some motivation to do it. So many of the reasons I can come up with seem either illegitimate or things I absolutely do not want to do.
People put out records because they want to make money off their music. In the current economic climate, with the business model for music and the internet changing so drastically, I'm fairly certain that I won't make any money off it, indeed, it's extremely unlikely that it will even break even, and will most likely end up costing me money.
People put out records because they want to be famous. The last thing I want is to be famous. That's the single most important lesson I've learned off the small amount of indie "fame" I had, and the rather more substantial amount of internet infamy. You think that Fame means everyone will love you. It doesn't. It means that everyone thinks that they are somehow entitled to a piece of you. No thank you.
People put out records because they want the respect of their peers. Yes, I admit. This one still appeals. Yeah, I'd like some critical acclaim. I'd like fellow musicians and DJs to go "That Kate St.Claire, she's a good musician and a good songwriter." I'd like to see my name in some in end of year lists and DJ sets. Except this is the one that's least likely to happen. I know that I'm handicapped before I even start by the mere fact of my gender. I'll be shunted off into a little box labelled "female musicians" and left out when the accolades of genius are distributed. This hurts. This makes me think that if I have to work twice as hard to be taken half as seriously, I might as well not even try.
So really, what does that leave? The desire to have other people listen to my music, and maybe even get something out of it? I can do that with a blog and a MySpace. Why invest so much time, effort and yes, money, into putting out a *record*?
I don't remember where it stalled. The album is finished, it's sitting on my hard drive (and backed up, this time.) I listen to it at work, and I'm *proud* of it. I like the way it sounds. And though I can hear the obvious influences and reference points (Stereolab, School of Seven Bells, St.Etienne) I don't really hear anything else out there at the moment that *sounds* like it. It's unique. It's a bit weird, not easily pigeonhole-able. This is both a problem and a strength.
So why not just fucking put the thing out? The last time I spoke to Chris, we were a bit stuck on the Mastering process. A minor hitch, and certainly not any kind of iceberg to stop this album. The truth is, it's me. I don't want to do it.
Pardon me for doing this in public. Pardon me if I bruise any feelings. This isn't about you; this is about me.
1) I feel like I'm alone in this. My former bandmates have all kind of wandered off and lost interest. When we first discussed this, everyone was keen, they all volunteered - but when it comes to doing any work, where are they? Yeah, I recognise that people have lives. Since we first started work on this album, a couple of years ago, there have been a wedding, two babies, a successful club night and a crafting group, countless jobs, countless breakups and countless moves. Life happens. But I am so tired of doing this by myself, and I'm so tired of feeling like the only one that cares.
2) All of this dredges up painful memories from years ago, that should have been long buried. Music is about emotion, of course some of those grudges get written into the very emotional fabric that makes up that music. I don't want to re-engage with so much of this negativity.
3) It's not just the record, it's everything that goes with it, the album artwork, the liner notes, photographs - not to mention the promotion when it comes out. Of course I'm going to have to do all this now, since no one else has. There's only one of me, and only so much time. By the time I get to the end of a long day at work, I'd rather draw paisley or pretty boys than album artwork.
4) The promotion. I just don't want to fucking do it. I actually start to feel sick to the stomach when I think about it. Everything I went through putting out that last album, Taste The Lollies. Interviews. Photo shoots. Press. Radio. Tours. I am an introvert. I find this stuff exhausting, invasive, and, when you do it day in, day out with the intensive kind of effort that went into the Taste launch, incredibly tedious and boring.
This has all changed now, and it's all about getting out on the web and making your presence known, which is somehow even worse. The internet is a total fucking sewer of attention-seeking idiots escaped from Daily Mail Island. I don't *want* to make myself available to these people. I know from experience, the kind of personality I have, if I spend more than 10 minutes on an internet forum, there's a flamewar up around my ears. This is *not* good promotion. This means that the collective work of half a dozen people will be flame fodder for assholes because I don't conform to their narrow, conservative idea of what a woman should be. Yeah, I know there's a school of thought that says there's no such thing as bad press, but when it's *me* out there getting the flak for it? It hurts. Don't pretend it doesn't hurt because it's some random internet troll having a go. It makes me very depressed, and I don't mean "ooh, a little sad" - I mean, it triggers and aggravates the serious, can't get out of bed clinical depression that brings my life to a halt. I don't want that in my life.
5) Did I mention I have to do this alone? If I can't get my former bandmates to care, how on earth can I get strangers to care? If I'm having trouble coming up with a reason to release a record, how on earth am I suppose to sell it to other people?
6) What if it bombs? Or worse, what if no one listens and no one cares? These songs are my babies, my precious little jewels for me to listen to in my home. What if no one wants them?
I guess I want someone to encourage me. Someone to turn me around, to tell me that it's worth it, to tell me to go for it. And that is the least likeliest thing of all.
posted by Masonic Boom | 2:22 pm
7 Comments:
Make some copies and give them to friends. Don't even bother promoting it,or doing artwork. Actually there is some self interest here, as I want to hear it :).
Interstingly enough, I just received a digital master of a live recording of my first band from 30 years ago. We sound like utter shit. But I am going to make 3 or 4 copies(for my former band mates, me and the guy who did the remastering) with artwork and everything, just cause I want to; really just for the sheer fun of it.
-Jo
I think you left out a reason when you were talking about why people want to put out albums, the one that goes "I have created music that I love and want to share with the world", and if you don't feel excited about sharing this music with the world, then you shouldn't be forced to do this - if someone else in the band suddenly decides they desperately want to see the record released and starts being proactive it's another story but that's not the case. That's how I feel anyway.
Although I would also like to add that I love the session outtakes and stuff that I have, so if the album ever does come out, I will be getting a copy.
@Joanne - hey, email me! I don't think I have your address any more. Perhaps I can get hold of you through MySpace though I barely ever use that any more. I'd like to hear this, if it's the Miscreants stuff.
@Alexa perhaps you've hit on something. I'm kind of blocked on the bit that goes from "I have created this music and I love it..." and the bit that goes "...and I want to share it with the world. I'm so hung up on past stuff, on stuff I love being misinterpreted, dismissed because of illegitimate complaints that I have become precious about it. I don't want to share it with people who are going to put it in a bin ahead of time before of who created it.
I'm sick of having to shout about things. I kind want to make a beautiful gift in a lovely wrapped mysterious toybox and sneak into people's houses and leave it on the table for them to unwrap and discover.
But I only really get excited when I start thinking about the box and the wrapper. Like, I get excited thinking about drawing a 12-page comic book about the lyrics. But then I think about the idea of having to do an interview and I feel sick to my stomach again.
Addendum: this is how arrogant I am- I assume that anyone would even actually *want* to interview me any more, after all these years. Ha ha ha, that is fairly rich actually. What an ego on me!
REFUSE TO DO INTERVIEWS
BE A MYSTERIOUS CHARACTER
WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS
SPREAD BIZARRE AND INTRICATE LIES ABOUT YOUR ORIGIN
I think I agree with Joanne. I'd very much like to hear more of your work, but what you said about it all being "worth it" is very important. Whatever the positive outcome is, I hardly think it would be worth all the hassle mentioned in points 1-6. That said, I would definitely be interested in interviewing you.
I don't know if that makes any sense, but in the end, I'd just say do what feels right.
I packed music (as such) a while ago. Not having any sort of fame/infamy, no-one is desperate to hear anything of mine, so I do have one boulder to shift (of inertia) if I was really wanting to do any.
I do still have moments of waking up with what seems to be a fantastic song, and make brief notes to myself to remember the words/tune. And yet, if I never record it/write it down, it remains a wonderful piece of music. Whereas if I make it a real thing, all it's faults become manifest.
It doesn't help that I really don't like my singing voice much.
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