Nerves Like Nylon, Nerves Like Steel

What a rollercoaster of emotions last night. It can be strange sometimes, the disparity of experiences between the performers onstage and the audience watching.

I'll be honest, I didn't actually enjoy the gig itself much last night, though all in all it was an excellent night for many different reasons.

Nerves were high, for many reasons, the stress of late bandmate and no-show support bands delaying soundcheck - though when we finally got our soundcheck, it was one of the most thorough and good-sounding soundchecks I've had in a long time. Oh yes, and the stress and pressure of A&R dudes turning up to "check us out".

Now maybe, some bands play better if they are aware that they are under scrutiny of this kind. For myself, I was hiding out onstage, doing last minute fiddles with my gear to make sure the distortion pedals were properly levelled, when blokey from {well known and respected indie label} comes bouncing up to the edge of the stage and introduces himself. I managed to be polite and stuttered that he should find our manager, but quite frankly, any chance of my being able to relax and enjoy the show flew straight out the window as the pit dropped out of the bottom of my stomach.

It was too hot. I sweated my stage makeup as soon as I put it on. I was dehydrated. I wasn't drunk enough. I was a mess. And usually something happens, a couple of songs into the set, where the nerves turn into excitement and the adrenaline rush takes over, and you shoot off into euphoria. It never happened.

I did my best. I played well, sang well, tried to emote, and act like I was having a good time. And yeah, I did get a kick out of seeing our friends dancing in the front row. But I was too nervous, had too much to do between remembering all the guitar pedals *and* setting up the laptop between songs and I just forgot to have a good time.

But that's where my friends come in. I can usually tell when people are "ooh, that was nice" and when they are genuinely enthusiastic. And thank god for my friends being so supportive and so up for it and, well, having a good time regardless. Maybe it's an ego thing. But I want other people to enjoy what I do - I want {Fermats Femmes} gigs to be like parties where everyone comes and has a great time dancing around and getting drunk. I feel like a hostess onstage, trying to make sure everyone has a good time. The songs are like gifts, sometimes even when I'm writing them, I think "ooh, I bet so-and-so will get a real kick out of this little bit!" and then I'm so pleased when that person gets it. (Like The Lex catching the subtle reference to "Pop-ular" in "Sticky and Brown".)

And instead of the euphoric rush of an aftershow (and then the inevitable come-down) I had the lovely, warm feeling of hanging out with all my mates, drinking like it was a normal FAP, eating beigels and talking utter gobshite about "overegging the apocalypse pudding". Which was perhaps even nicer.

And after all those nerves, I never really spoke to A&R Dude; he disappeared. And I got buttonholed my his incredibly drunk friend (actually, come to think of it, this is the best thing about playing gigs, when you spot a hott boy, and you kind of keep catching his eye, and instead of running away, he actually comes over to you and enthuses "That was great!") trying to explain why we should release his favourite song as a single, talking the usual record company rubbish about Castles In Spain, Mate, taking completely the wrong tack with me. It was amusing, but I'm sorry, I'm not interested in making loads of money and those usual rock star dreams. I'm not that bothered about quitting my dayjob; I kinda like my dayjob. I'm interested in having fun, and making music that makes me, and my mates happy. And the one thing I've learned is, the more control I have over that music, the happier I (and the people listening to it) seem to be.

Because its hilarious, the way that everyone seems to think that their favourite song is The Hit!!! - the one we should record and release and will pay for my Country Life Mansion. But everyone seems to think it's a different song.

I guess that's a good sign. I think it's also a good sign when industry type people come up and tell you all the ways they would make you better. It's a sign you're attracting attention, which means you're doing something right. But it also means you should smile and nod and be bought drinks, but then carry on doing things Exactly The Way YOU Want To Do Them.