I Am A Rock
I mean, firstly it brings up issues of "private space" vs. "public space" and really, is there any difference, on the interweb? I try, these days, not to say anything on ILX that I would not say to someone in person. But then there is the question of archiving and availability. I hate the idea that everything I say, in the heat of the moment, or in a bad mood, or in jest, is somehow documented and preserved and going to be used against me, or even worse, as a Representative Of My Band. But I refuse to censor myself in what I find a necessary safety valve. I don't want my personality eroded by having to think of myself as representing some group all that time. It's absurd.
The other thing that's giving me the mizzies is I did something incredibly stupid, and re-signed up with that Popular Internet Dating Site. I don't know why I continue to do this, haven't I proved to myself enough that it's not for me? I had the mad idea that the only way to distract myself from being constantly annoyed by my band was to find something even MORE annoying - and clearly boyfriends are the most constant source of irritation and annoyance there are.
Only to get my hopes dashed yet again when no one I message responds, let alone getting any unsolicited messages from randoms. Why did I put my real age, real photos, actual opinions? Self esteem, slashed to threads. Why do I do this? Just to prove that I really am as ugly, unattractive, and unfanciable as I believe I am?
It's easier and less painful to just go on in my little cocoon of claiming not to care, of espousing celibacy, because at least then I don't get my hopes up.
I am a rock, I am island. And a rock never cries. And an island feels no pain. (Probably got those lyrics wrong, but I don't really care.)
Right, back to listening to those Marit Larsen MP3s. It's been a long time since I heard such perfect indie-pop.