Smug Marrieds
I suppose the MySpace teenage term is "friends cull" - I suspect I've been going through one recently. More in terms of giving up on people who are not responding to the effort that you put in, rather than actually snubbing anyone. But, you know, there's only so many times that you can try to make plans, invite people out for dinner, etc. etc. and have them blow you off, or ignore the invitation or simply whinge that they don't have the money, before you just stop asking.
It's coupled-up women that seem to be the worst at this. My single friends are usually up for going out to a gig, a dinner, a movie, if they don't have plans already. And yet it's the smug marrieds, who, after telling you about how they've gone on holiday with their partner, or out to dinner with another smug married, that they are "too broke" to find £5 to go have a burrito with you. After the third or fourth time of asking, you just start to go "OK, I get it!" and stop asking.
I don't know, maybe it comes down to a difference in the way that we use the interweb. I don't have the interweb at home (for the same reason I don't have a telly - worst time-waster in the world) so I've got to do all my emailing from work. Emailing stops being about those long, intimate heart-to-hearts, and starts being simply there to make plans for the stuff you do after work. If I need quick entertainment for work down-time, that's what ILX and my Blog and MySpace are for. I just don't have the *time* (or indeed the inclination) for those massive, long "this is everything going on in my life right now" emails. It's false intimacy. Real, quality friend time is what happens over a pint in a pub, a cup of tea in your kitchen, a meal, a walk.
So maybe it's me that's changed, as much as them. I don't have the time any more for those rambling "entertain me, I'm bored at work" type emails. They don't have the time to meet me for a pint on the way home. So I'm going to spend my limited internet time sorting out meet-ups with people who do.
And yeah, this weekend was full of that. And more fun for it, with fireworks and rambling pub conversations and barn dancing and all.
It's coupled-up women that seem to be the worst at this. My single friends are usually up for going out to a gig, a dinner, a movie, if they don't have plans already. And yet it's the smug marrieds, who, after telling you about how they've gone on holiday with their partner, or out to dinner with another smug married, that they are "too broke" to find £5 to go have a burrito with you. After the third or fourth time of asking, you just start to go "OK, I get it!" and stop asking.
I don't know, maybe it comes down to a difference in the way that we use the interweb. I don't have the interweb at home (for the same reason I don't have a telly - worst time-waster in the world) so I've got to do all my emailing from work. Emailing stops being about those long, intimate heart-to-hearts, and starts being simply there to make plans for the stuff you do after work. If I need quick entertainment for work down-time, that's what ILX and my Blog and MySpace are for. I just don't have the *time* (or indeed the inclination) for those massive, long "this is everything going on in my life right now" emails. It's false intimacy. Real, quality friend time is what happens over a pint in a pub, a cup of tea in your kitchen, a meal, a walk.
So maybe it's me that's changed, as much as them. I don't have the time any more for those rambling "entertain me, I'm bored at work" type emails. They don't have the time to meet me for a pint on the way home. So I'm going to spend my limited internet time sorting out meet-ups with people who do.
And yeah, this weekend was full of that. And more fun for it, with fireworks and rambling pub conversations and barn dancing and all.
posted by Masonic Boom | 8:24 pm
6 Comments:
I don't think it is ever a good idea to use the phrase "smug marrieds".
You're not one of the people referred to, FMM - you're one of the people I know who has successfully negotiated the transition to couplehood without becoming smug and intolerable (or cloistered with your snugglebunny - I see you out with or without Joe all the time).
I'm not even talking about people who have just got together with a partner - it's perfectly natural to go a bit doolally for a few months, then return to normal once that wears off. It's people who have been married for SO LONG that they have completely lost the ability to actually relate to their single friends, let alone find time to see them. I used to not take it personally, but in this specific case, it got to the point where it was... "OK, you have the time and money to go to dinner with A, the partner of B, you have the time and money to go on holiday with C, the partner of D, you have the time and money to go out with E, the partner of F... but for the past six months (even after we've talked about this) you don't have £5 to get a *coffee* with me?" I give up! In that case, yes, I *do* give up.
Anyway, it's more about the *SMUG* than about the "married". I've got a new response to the old "oh, you'll find someone, look, I did, every pot will find its cover..."
Which is to become a smug homepwner and talk about "oh, the housing market really isn't *that* bad - you'll find a mortgage! *I* did, after all!"
Not nice, but still somehow gratifying.
I suppose the MySpace teenage term is "friends cull" - I suspect I've been going through one recently. More in terms of giving up on people who are not responding to the effort that you put in, rather than actually snubbing anyone.
Well excuse me young lady, but you do seem to regard your friends as an investor regards their portfolio or a gardener regards a row of cabbages....Am I getting enough return on my investment - otherwise let's ditch them.
I can't put my finger on it, but there's something rather business-like about it that I find a bit disquietening...Though I'm conflicted - I've been in the same situation as you, but I just let it ride. I didn't feel the need to do any special culling.
There comes a point, in a friendship, if you are putting in ALL investment to no return at all, that it stops being a friendship. It takes two people to make a friendship. I'm talking about cases where it seems to me like the other person ditched *me* a long time ago - I'm just catching up now.
Maybe that is business-like. Maybe I should scream and perform and make a big emotional deal out of it. I can't be bothered any more. In a way, maybe I am just "letting it ride" - it's just that my "letting it ride" involves commenting on, thinking about, and ruminating on the decided course of action. If you find the Examined Life too "businesslike", tough.
Yeah - you're right: fuck em if they can't make the time.
No TV I can understand, but I couldn't do without internet at home.
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