Do You Want To Hate Yourself (Even More)?
Every time I sign up for one of these things, I say "never again!" and then a few months later, I find myself so lonely I find myself doing it again, spurred on by a couple of attractive sounding profiles.
I go on about how I'm strong, and self sufficient, and I don't need a man and how much all that Bridget Jones crap makes me feel ILL. But then the Skin Hunger - and more than that, the desire for *companionship* - strikes. And you get your smug married friends saying smug things like "Oh, You'll find *someone*! Look, I did, so anyone can!" which just isn't helpful at all, and makes you feel more and more like the freak weird nubbly carrot left at the back of the shelf because no one wants to buy it. Because they've just *forgotten* how shit it is.
And if you actually dare to say anything like "you know, I'm just so fed up with being so lonely" then you get these "Ooh, I never knew you were PATHETIC!" comments because people are sick of your whinging.
And these dating sites? They're even *more* demoralising than searching for a job - which is pretty much the most demoralising thing I can think of. You send off dozens, even hundreds of resumes, and no one calls you back. Or even if you get to the interview stage, you never hear from them again, and you're just left hanging, wondering if you smell or what.
I don't know it is. The competition? The fact that they just *look* like catalogues of hundreds of exciting singles, so why should you waste any time on one who doesn't immediately have a PMA (positive mental attitude) and On the other hand, high maintenance girls need not apply!! On beauty - I tend to go for the slimmer type with good legs, good skin, good eyes and a lovely smile. (Yeah, but not high maintainance beauty, of course, because everyone is just *naturally* slim with perfect skin.)
It's fucking disheartening when you send out message after message and don't even get so much as an answer. So when you *do* get an answer, and you start messaging a person who seems like they have a brain... of course you get your hopes up. Who doesn't? I'm only human. I can live with the despair - I can't live with the hope.
And that sense of anticipation - that sick, ulcerous feeling in the pit of your stomach - turns sour when they stop replying. And the Negative Automatic Thoughts start to win - "are you STUPID? Did you really think anyone would be attracted to you? You're fat, you're ugly, you're psychotic, AND, now you've got a NEGATIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE, OH NOES!!! There really is no one out there for you. So you should just give up looking because it hurts to much, this endless rejection."
And I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for being upset by it. That voice, that "I never knew you were PATHETIC!!!" echoes in my mind. And then I hate myself. (Even more.)